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Don't Let Shame Imprison You

At least to me, my unrevealed behavior was big, huge, horrible. I had been longing all my life to become a mother. Now my dreams had come true. But motherhood had been thrown upon me suddenly, with twenty-four hours notice through adoption. Of course most moms don't spend eighteen months with their baby in a cancer ward. Our next adoption would be our son's older half-brother. At age four, he became knitted into our family. How satisfying it was to be able to raise these two special boys together!

Both boys were used to being only children, so you can imagine the sparks from the friction of having to share everything. When you add in their special needs, fireworks. I did not handle their conflicts very maturely. I had always been a woman of little patience. Now I was a mom who yelled. This was not an effective parenting method! I was ashamed of my outbursts, but felt powerless to change. I was a slave, but the day of transformation was right around the corner!

As our usual morning routine was going haywire once again, and fighting ensued with the boys, I yelled for them to stop. I happened to be in front of a mirror and caught a glimpse of a contorted, red face. Who was that? I had come from dreaming of the day I would be mom, to now where the gifts had been bestowed upon me. The reality of the raw ugliness I had just witnessed pierced my heart.

I would be frightened if I had seen someone much bigger yelling at me with that ugly, red face! Fear is one way to control behavior. But it is not the way I wanted to parent. From that very moment of the mirrored image, I vowed to find a way to become a more patient mom. And I was successful as the change happened gradually.

I realized I was living life from lack. I was dry, empty. I had not been nourishing my heart and soul. I changed my morning routine to include time to fill up with beauty before my feet hit the ground running for the day. I read a short devotional that ended with a Scripture. Although this was a little change, it was like a small stream trickling through the desert of my soul. As I increased my morning time with my Creator, the desert turned into soft soil, ready for flowers to grow and bloom. Before I knew it, tall, sturdy trees were also growing, turning my once dry soul into a lush forest of deep strength and patience.

As God whispered more wisdom into my spirit day by day, I realized I needed to share my parenting experience so that other moms could let go of their lack, their shame. When you shed Light into your darkness, freedom reigns. You are no longer a prisoner. You are now a soul blooming with the fruit of the Spirit: patience, love and peace.

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